Your Weekly Horoscope: See What’s In Store For You This Week

We, at Offshoot, are geniuses. Now, we don't mean to sound snobbish but that's the truth. We wear many hats, one of them being amazing at reading the future. Oh! Don't believe us?

Look at your horoscope for the week prepared by the masters at Offshoot. They've stayed up late at night, quietly observing the positions of the celestial bodies (the Sun was too powerful for our eyes! Wait. We don't see the Sun at night! Guess we confused it with another body but it was a minor mistake) and munching on free snacks and watching movies when bored (a healthy body and mind is needed to cook up, ahem, we mean, create correct predictions).

Please note that if they turn out to be true (remember the conditional clause) and you decided to visit us for another session, we'll charge a hefty amount. Here we go!

1. Aries: Listen, O Ariens! The heavenly bodies are working in your favor but you need to play smart and be grateful. You're going to inherit a family heirloom, but don't be a douche bag. One look at it with greedy eyes and your granny is going to pass it on to a better douche bag in the house. You'll also find a lost bag full of money. And its owner. He he!

2. Taurus: Taureans, hardworking as ever, will be rewarded this week. With more work that will not give them any opportunity to relax. But here's the good part, you'll garner praises for your superb work (it's going to be verbal. We can't see monetary rewards coming your way.) Keep up the good work!

3. Gemini: Our kind souls, it's time to show your kindness to the world. Your curiosity will land you in trouble but you'll sail through it. If you (or rather others) find yourself poking your nose in others' matters (just out of curiosity) and you get hit (read thrashed) this week, remember the wise words of Gandhi and offer to be beaten more. You'll only end up in the hospital. That's it. Didn't we tell you that things will be fine?

4. Cancer: You moody person, you need to get out of your bed / shell and go out to explore the world. Why, you ask? Because a treasure awaits you. There's a strong possibility of you running in to your crush. And also of embarrassing yourself in front of her / him but fear not, your creativity will help you save yourself from disgrace, if not embarrassment. Our blessings are with you.

5. Leo: When the Sun shines bright, our Leos are in full form. These ever-happy, generous souls will have a bright week with the only spoiler being that the choco lava cake that you'd been thinking of hungrily gobbling down (we could imagine the lust in your eyes) will turn out to be the last piece available at the store (if you decide to skip happily, rather than run wildly on your way), so you must hurry!

6. Virgo: Virgos are known to be down-to-earth and this rare quality will come to your rescue this week. Your friends will try to entice your taste buds by offering to take you to a fancy restaurant but remember, it's a trap! All they'll try to do will be to party on your expense. They may try to offer you a bowl of pudding just to escape the guilt trip but a simple “no” should work wonders for you. So, don't fall for it!

7. Libra: These beautiful souls will have a happy week. We can see you traveling to your favorite holiday destination during the weekend. It's going to be a refreshing and rejuvenating experience. Unfortunately, the whole experience will leave you in more debt. “More debt” do we hear you ask? Well, you're travelling for sure. And it's going to be fun but we forgot to mention that you will have to incur your own expenses and they're not going to be cheap. In order to travel, you'll be asking for a loan which will leave you stressed. He he!

8. Scorpio: Intelligent but perfectionists. Now, we didn't get our conjunction wrong. It's just that this (may we add the word 'irritating') habit of getting things right (even if it means getting on the nerves of those around you) will give you a headache this week. You can get out of this situation easily. Here's what you have to do: keep your lips sealed if things are good, if not 'perfect' and appreciate others' efforts.

9. Sagittarius: Goofy clowns, you are going to be someone's angel this week. You'll make someone real happy. Make sure to give a good listen to them because they might come back with this conversation later in life and your wrong responses might land you in soup. Oh! We forgot to mention. When we say that you'll be an angel, you might want to dress up like one or the other person will make sure that you are.

10. Capricorn: Practical and resourceful, you guys will remain full of energy this week. New opportunities and success in work will help you climb the ladder. We mean literally. You might have to climb a ladder to change a bulb or tube light. A new achievement to your name, isn't it? There you go, something to add to your resume.

11. Aquarius: Mysterious people in black hoods who roam the streets at night! Just kidding! But you are mysterious in more ways than one. This quality is going to attract someone while you travel from home to work. We can't really predict who but we have a vague idea – someone with four legs, a long tail, a slick body and resembles a monitor lizard, we guess.

12. Pisces: Pisceans, you will remain gullible but spaced-out this week. You'll laugh at matters that require serious consideration, cry at your friends' jokes leaving them baffled and shout at yourself (it might look that you are going insane and you won't be wrong) but your gullible nature will come to your rescue. Those who know you might not be able to tell the difference as you were already behaving childish, weren't you?